Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Just Sign on the Dotted Line

After watching what must be every episode of Scooby-Doo (Eli 4.1's current video favorite) ever recorded, I feel compelled to ask one question: why do the undead lack agility?

Shouldn't agility, even for the undead, resemble some kind of bell-shaped distribution curve? How is it that the undead, not only in Scooby-Doo but in most films as well, lack statistical variety? I mean, you see these guys walking in films they've all got that stiff-legged, swinging gait, and they're walking about two miles an hour. Nobody walks like that. More to the point, though, even if they did, why would everyone walk like that?

Clearly, this is no accident.

I know how this happens. A guy dies, settles in for a nice dirt nap, then somebody comes knocking at his coffin.

A salesman. Damn, those guys are everywhere.

Yes, I know that you're dead and shouldn't be able to hear the knock, but unless you registered for the Dead Do Not Call list, you'll hear it.

So the salesman pitches all the benefits of being undead--primarily, that you're not dead. And there are plenty of employment opportunities in film and television. So suddenly you're not dead and you have a job.

There are some serious negatives, like getting a shotgun blast to the face twenty-seven takes in a row, but the salesman isn't going to dwell on that, because if he doesn't sign you he's not going to make quota.

Then he pitches training camp, where all the undead go, and he makes it sound like you're joining the freaking NFL or something. Man, does that sound sweet--movie star and athlete.

So you sign. Anybody would.

A week later, you find out that "training camp" exists to teach you a shitty-ass walk that makes you look brain damaged.

Should have read the contract, man. That's why they write them.

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